I'm in a spring slump, or a bipolar (undiagnosed) slump, or something, and it's been months now. I don't know why I just settle into a hole like this when it happens. Why I scratch around in the dirt, make myself a little nest, pull a thin blanket of dust over myself, turn on Netflix, and lie inert. I don't know why I don't fight harder. There are beautiful people in my life, people I don't deserve but could enjoy time with. There are interesting and beneficial things to do out there. Everyone around me is living their life, and I should be doing that also, if not for myself, at least so that I can be a fun person for the people I love. But right now, I just can't.
My relationship with God is silent right now because I'm horrified by Deuteronomy 28 (last half) and don't know what to do with it. I discovered this passage at the start of April (perhaps I'd never read it before?) and I just don't know how to process it. I've talked to a few people about it but so far nothing seems to help.
But wait! This entry is about PULLING OUT of the hole. None of this whining will help that. So, after a mostly unproductive day in my comfy hole, I am listing:
Three things that went well today:
- I had a great conversation with my dear brother Harold this morning.
- I looked up a lot of resources for a friend who is struggling with how to help a family member with a disability.
- I walked for 40 minutes, maybe 45.
Three things I'm grateful for today:
- The amazing clouds this evening--pink and slate and purple--with the sun setting over them.
- The fact that after being stuck and unproductive watching the entire fabulous Parenthood series (all six years of it in the past few weeks) I'm finally done. I promise myself I will not start Friday Night Lights.
- The knowledge that I've gotten out of holes like this before--well, maybe not the God hole but the empty depressive hole--and this gives me hope that I will again.